Gays & Ex-Gays

Points to ponder for gays regarding their attitude towards ex-gays

Most gay people have never heard of ex-gays. Those who did usually have a very negative view of them. Ex-Gays are supposed to deny their sexuality (thereby becoming mentally ill), they are backwards oriented, old-school, radical, fundamental in their Christian faith, homophobic, haters and most of all adherents of "conversion therapies". So let's go into that.

Do ex-gays deny their sexuality? No, not at all. They use their sexual energy simply another way, like by letting their gifts and talents blossom, by becoming active and creative and by not letting their whole life turn around "being gay". You can just as well turn the argument around: People who think that you need to have sex in order not to deny your sexuality have a very disturbed view on and relationship towards it.

Are ex-gays becoming mentally ill because they "deny" their sexuality? This argument usually is brought up by people who do not have the slightest training in psychology and/or psychiatry. A mental disorder usually takes a whole bunch of different factors to develop. Hardly ever it is a single one. Mental disordders should also never be used to further a political position.

Again, you can just as well turn the argument around: Does not in many cases an excessive gay life play a major part in developping mental disorders and physical diseases (like through attracting and passing on of sexually transmitted diseases)?

Are ex-gays backwards oriented, old-school, radical, fundamental in their Christian faith, homophobic, and haters? All of that uses the same dirty propaganda technique (that sometimes reminds me of the Nazis by the way): You just have to repeat a lie often enough so people will believe it in the end. If you do not have good arguments, you put the "adversary" in a radical corner and make him look like a fanatic criminal with (again) mental problems. That makes you look pure and good and the other one dirty and evil. Hardly anybody though is purely good or purely bad just as well as hardly any motivation is by the way. Why not just sit down and listen - really listen! - to each other, without coming up with knee-jerk reactions at once? Why not grant the other side the right to have a rationally well-founded argument? Why not accept the fact that the other side could also be right or that they could at least have a valid alternative?

Could it be that sometimes we need the other side to look bad because we cannot accept the fact that they could have a point there? Because that would ruin our whole system of argumentation?

Ex-Gays can hardly be homophobic haters as they have same-sex attractions themselves. That "argument" actually reveals more about the person that uses it than about the one being attacked.

No ex-gay I know has ever supported conversion therapies. Gay-friendly politicians know that and still push anti-conversion-therapy legistlation just the same - in order to wipe off the surface of the earth all opposition against gay points of view. However, we want science and research to be independent. Even gay activists use the argument of "sexual fluidity" sometimes (they have to, else they could not make a point for being transgender). Given the fact that many factors contribute to the development of human sexuality and taken into account modern research on epigenetics we all have to adapt our positions on a regular basis, even if it hurts and does not fit our world view.

Why not see our common same-sex attractions as a common foundation and work together instead of against one another? Why can't gay counselors accept an ex-gay belief system and help the person leave a gay life if she or he wants that? Or the other way around?

I am just naive enough to believe that this can be done.

Munich, december 2019

Robert Gollwitzer